I think my hair is gaining its own personality. I don't really approve.
Some days I really think Dr. Chase should be castrated. He's a whore. House is still pissing me off.
Either my computer and my critical theory book have to get lighter or my back needs to get stronger.
There are some days that I have a little speck of faith in humanity, then others where every human just disgusts me. I confuse myself. I hate being a contradiction. Today's been kinda rough. I've been thinking a lot and a few things happened that really made me question humanity;
1. We had a good turnout at the week of orange table. It's to raise awareness about human sex trafficking. On an orange piece of paper, we had people write a freedom that they have that enslaved people lack. We're putting a paper chain together of the freedoms and it's going to be in the oak grove. There was one woman that came up to the table and did it, and she looked like she was going to cry, then shook my hand and hugged O. I don't know who she was, she looked like she could have been a professor, but I feel like she understood or something. You know, when people just get what it is you're trying to do or what you're saying. I don't know, I just really like that feeling. It's happened a few other times, but it's not often.
&&I think I hate apathy and indifference more than anything in the world.
2. NY Times posted an article on facebook about a Jewish leader in the U.S. that wants to end the way kids are supposedly brainwashed to accept homosexuality in schools. More than the leader, it was the comments on the story that bothered me. If these people exist, then why the hell am I even trying?
In part of an autobiography by Anne Moody that I read for class today she talked about distancing a person from what they believe in. Particularly, that racism was a disease, not an idea. I think it's the same with other prejudices, but I'm having a really hard time separating the person from the disease. I hate a lot of people I've never met, because, in my eyes, you just can't come back from some of the stuff these people say. And people are what they say. And everyone had their stupid faults, myself included, but where do you draw the line? Because if there isn't a line then I have to hate everyone and I don't know if I can handle the gravity of that.
I've been having issues with this for a long time. Is this kind of hate I have towards people the same thing I'm trying to eradicate? Everyone's equal, but I wouldn't be okay with being called "equal" with Sarah Palin. I'm walking around a giant contradiction, I know, but I can't get out of it. Honestly, I think I would call myself very moral in a Chris McCandless sense of the word. I'm harsh on people. But I feel like it's deserved. But I don't know what to do with it.
My problem is that I care too much about too much. And I can't fix it.
3. How far do you take the freedom of speech? I'd like to say that I believe in it to the Voltaire sense of the word, where he said "I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it." I think there are some things that you just leave alone, like these Neo-Nazis, I wish they'd just form a suicide pact or something, but they have the right. What's hate speech? What's not? It's all really subjective and I can't decide how I feel about it. But do they have the right to say it? I don't know. I wish they didn't, but it may only be because I don't agree. And that's not a valid reason.
4. Can something intelligent cancel out something really unintelligent? A girl in my class today, as we were talking about how biased history is (a point she raised) then said, and I'm paraphrasing, "Well, all countries do it. I mean, Germany probably doesn't teach kids about the Holocaust." About three of us in the class made the same WTF face at her.
5. I don't care how smart you are, if you're pompous to a fault, it instantly cancels out everything good about you. Mr. big glasses and plaid shirt.
6. I can't find a happy medium between what's real and not. I'm too much of a realist to be an idealist and vice versa, but I don't fall in the middle.
7. People have been ignoring me ever-frequently. Do I not exist? If you don't like me just tell me so I don't have to pretend to like you either. It would save me a lot of energy. I have an infinite number of things I'd rather be doing instead of getting ready then waiting around for you not to call me. I think I'm going to start operating on the idea that any plans I made will be broken. I think I'll get more shit done.
Secondly, people need to just tell me when I'm being annoying or something because I constantly feel like I'm being annoying; but this may just be because a lot of people annoy me. I can't tell. So I'm always suspicious that the people I'm friends with don't really like me, that I'm just tagging along. Generally I don't care what people think, but if I take the time to get to know you, and consider you a friend, I do start to care at some point.
&&& I've never caught anyone talking about me or saying bad things about me, and I'm curious. I don't really have any enemies to ask. It sounds narcissistic, but I really want to know what my faults are according to others because I don't know. If I don't know I can't change for the better. I'm talking about personality, not physical shortcomings because I don't think bodies are that important in that sense. Nice to look at, but I don't want to have a conversation with someone's nice arms.
8. I know there are people with much greater problems than me, and yet I tend to become really self-centered. Much of the problems I presented are philosophical, not "real" concrete things, like "how are we going to eat today," but I think they're valid nonetheless.
P.S. I had fun with all of my zombies last weekend. I really love doing zom makeup. Don't ask me why, because I really couldn't tell you. Maybe it's because I can't do anything else considered artistic. Or maybe I just like being recognized for something that I did myself that has nothing to do with school. It's something I can do that other people can't or haven't tried. I don't know.
I think the number of different people that I've turned into zoms is somewhere near 17 or 18. I don't even know a few of their names, but apparently they trusted me enough not to blind them by putting latex in their eye. Life is funny.
I'm tired but I feel like I'm going to be up all night cleaning and reading. This is what my life has become. Today has been melancholy in every sense of the word.
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