The Big Question

What the hell am I going to do with my life?

I really, really don't know. I like learning, reading and writing I enjoy poking fun of politics. I like making things and listening to music. I like doctor shows and the history channel. I am a zombie enthusiast, a feminist and a moralist. I like history and English. I hate math and chemistry. I like volunteering and I wish I did more of it. I want to travel to other countries, especially India for some reason. I often read books featuring drugs and crazy people, though I don't do drugs and I'm not that crazy. I try to live what I preach. I've been a vegetarian for somewhere like 7 years. I spend too much time on the internet. I try to make people believe what I believe. I have a lot of disdain for America and American life; I don't hate the country, I hate the people that are fucking it up. I'm addicted to caffeine. Geographically, I don't feel like I could be that far from my family because my mom would go insane. I hate asking for help. I'm an introvert. In my heart I'm an idealist, but in my head, I'm more of a realist. I'm into existentialism and self-exploration. I don't subscribe to any certain subculture. I'm not ever one thing, I'm a mess of a thousand different things coming together with a force that could ignite, but somehow doesn't.

If I didn't hate math so much, I could be a doctor. That's a pretty fulfilling career. But I hate math. Hate is probably not the right word, I am confounded by math. Math looks like indecipherable hieroglyphics to me, especially trigonometry. I just can't do it. I would probably die in organic chemistry. It's interesting, no doubt, but the math would bury me. I probably get too anxious to be a doctor. I would probably kill myself if I seriously fucked something up. My parents always told me growing up that I'd make a good doctor, but I think it may have been because neither of them went to college.

So what then?

I'd like to work in something relating to social justice, but what? I chose to major in English and Journalism because it's something I'm good at, something I'd really like to improve upon. But what am I going to do with it? I would not be content sitting behind a desk from 9-5 doing mindless work. I need something that produces results, something challenging, something that can help people that I think really need and deserve it. I can't be a run-of-the-mill newspaper reporter. If I have a strong opinion about something, or if someone I'm interviewing is being a douchebag, I want to call them a douchebag. I need to put my opinion in my work. I don't think my writing's good enough for me to be an author that makes any discernible amount of money. I want to be able to pay off my loans, eventually get a house, adopt a few kids and help my mom out. I need something at least relatively stable. I need something fulfilling. I feel like I don't have the patience or the public speaking skills to be a teacher. I'm not that great of a photographer, so photojournalism's out.

I just don't know what to do with myself. I don't have the master plan that a lot of kids have. I've wanted to be everything from a judge, to a firefighter, to a pro wrestler growing up. Nothing's really stuck.

If someone would just pay me to go to college for the rest of my life and pay for me to travel around the world, that would be awesome.

I really wish I was good at math.